Destination: Bellevue

Bellevue was once what people in the South End called Bellevue, Kirkland, Redmond, and Issaquah all rolled into one. It was a shimmering idea that there was a place people didn't have to panhandle to pay their father's bail. At the time, Bellevue was known for the mall and it was the upscale version of Southcenter before Southcenter went down the tubes. Now it's an upscale version of Southcenter now that it's gone down the tubes.

Keep flying towards the sun, Southcenter!

I still remember getting in the car and driving up to Bellevue with the hope of becoming someone's chimney sweep.

As a kid, the only reason to go to Bellevue Square was Cellophane Square (indieish record shop) and the magic store. Now the only reason to go to Bellevue is to meet people who live in Kirkland.

I just Googled Bellevue Square and found out it's now part of "The Bellevue Collection" that includes Bellevue Square, Lincoln Square, and Bellevue Place. Throw in the Bellevue Galleria and you'll have Monopoly.

Sadly, Bellevue Galleria is no more. I just found this out. Let me be honest, this will probably be the last Destination piece as I am extremely wounded by this. Those bastards! Tap House is even gone. That place was great. Rock Bottom is gone (it wasn't). I guess there's a Men's Warehouse and 13 Thai joints there now. What a bummer. That was the only place in Bellevue you could get wasted and ride escalators.

I guess the new Galleria would be Lincoln Square. You can get wasted and ride escalators there as well.

There's a Paddy Coynes, a McCormick and Schmick, The Parlor, a wine bar or something, a theater, a bowling alley, and an arcade. That really beats the shit out of the Galleria. I don't know why I was upset. I'm better now.

There's even Magialonaisnossano's where when you order pasta, they give you two portions - one to eat and one to take home. If that isn't a boon for fatasses like me, I don't know what is. That almost makes up for closing the Fatburger.

Paddy Coyne's is alright to hangout and skip a movie that sucks. I remember going to Avatar with some friends at the theater upstairs and then leaving ten minutes into the movie to go drink. I hear I missed the worst part.

McCormick and Schmick is alright. They have a five dollar burger at Happy Hour that is probably like 39 dollars since I've been there. I once saw a man order it with water and then wrap it up and put it in his pocket. Talk about ingenuity! He wasn't going to get conned into buying drinks! The food is good. But there are a number of people of the snobby sort that believe the place is shitty. It's apparently now trendy to call it shitty. Like, OH, I ONLY EAT AT CANLIS AND HERB FARM! But, you know, it's probably not that great. But it has outdoor seating into the mall. That means you can pretend you're in the mall while you're in McCormick and Schmicks...in the mall.

The Parlor. Let me see. The no hat policy should really clue you into the kindov place this is. I remember when it opened I thought: they totally geared this place for drug dealers to hang out. Essentially, if you make a no hat rule, drug dealers and gangbangers are going to hang out there. And, pretty much the staff treats everyone like a drug dealer or gangbanger. Dear, The Parlor: you're in a MALL! Who the fuck has bouncers in a mall? And these bouncers are thorough. It's easier to get into Israel than into The Parlor. Inside, you'll find a who's who of people who are going to jail, have been in jail, and work at a jail. Everyday is dress up day at The Parlor, so bring your fresh threads...that you bought with a combination of two 250 dollar limit credit cards from a Shell station.

I'm sorry. But that place is the worst. I hear they have comedy there now. So, maybe catch a laugh before getting roofied by a pimp.

There's some new wine bar on the first floor...well, new to me. I don't know anything about it besides they wouldn't serve me. So, you know, give it a shot.

The arcade and bowling alley are cool if you have kids or a heart warming mental condition that leaves you cognitively staggered.

There's a Container Store. Which might explain The Parlor. You remember in Superman Two when those bad guys were contained in those cocaine mirrors? Well, it's like that, only all the gangsters in The Parlor were in containers at the Container Store and broke free and then there were all these empty containers and then they were like "Let's just sell them."

That's a creation story, for all you taking Comparative Religion.

There's a theater too. But if you've exposed yourself in one theater, you've exposed yourself in all of them, as the saying goes.

Across the street is the mall. It used to be the rich people mall, but then they took the No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service sign down and it all went to hell. It has all the same things as other malls...except this mall has a Nordstrom cafe! There's a bunch of shops and stores and places to spend money. There's a Red Robin....P.F. Chang's....The Tavern is home to a nickle sized burger on a tire sized bun....Aunt Annie's Pretzels....please shop at our mall...

I went to Blue C Sushi the other night and ordered a Rainier. The waiter nodded at me emphatically like a puppet with brain lice, and then he disappeared. Then another guy came by and apologized that he couldn't hear the other waiter correctly on the phone (I know this doesn't make sense, but this is what he said), so I ordered again. Then a woman came out and asked me what I ordered. Finally, I got my beer. Later, I made the mistake of ordering a screwdriver. The waiter looked puzzled. I explained the drink. He nodded emphatically and then he disappeared for a half hour and came back with a shot of vodka and a small glass of orange juice: one part vodka, one part orange juice, one part fuck you make it yourself.

Bellevue Place also won't let me in. But I hear it's like a lobby in an airport. One big duty free store full of duty full prices. Reminds me of that uber expensive mall in the Swedish hospital in Issaquah. John Howie is in there. I think it's a steak house where they make balloon animals for you.

13 Coins is newer. The food isn't what it was at the SeaTac location. I can't believe I just wrote that. The leather seating is really nice. There's a Godfather ambiance with all the muted light. Plus a gang of hookers. Like you can't order an omelet without a side of hooker. But that's 13 Coins.

There are a number of upscale restaurants, which once again, would not serve me: John Howie, Seastar, El Gaucho. El Gaucho actually tried to have me deported to Kent. Seastar asked for my "papers".

Daniel's is nice and once or twice let me in. Let me recommend the cobb salad. It's fucking huge. Like the size of a plantation. In fact, before I bit into a piece of lettuce, a tiny lone farmer waved a tractor hat at me from behind a piece of bacon and egg.

There are also a number of random cool bars around the area that are probably gone. Some 8th street thing...I forget. It was before the war. The Iraq one. The second Iraq one. It was a different Bellevue.

There's also a cool Azteca near the freeway. I understand that "cool" and "Azteca" don't usually mesh, especially in Bellevue, but the interior of this Azteca is super cool. Like it looks like an authentic Mexican interior from a movie. See how I did that?

Across the freeway, to the east, there's a hospital and a bunch of car dealerships and rando burger stands. There's a Pagliacci if you go far enough. And a Kidd Valley.

Towards Factoria, there's Bellevue Community College. Bring condoms and cab fare.

The Goose Pub and Eatery is like having a small piece of Auburn in Bellevue. I definitely recommend it. Pull tabs!

The Pumphouse is also supposed to be good, but I can't remember if I've been there.

All in all, Bellevue is a place I go about four times a year when I have to.

Submitted September 27, 2016 at 03:25PM by levilarrington http://ift.tt/2dAYjZ9