Thursday, October 13, 2016

Destination: Redmond

If you think your teacher is tough, wait ’til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure.Guy who never had a boss, Bill GatesPeople are always asking me if I know Goldberg.I met Goldberg in Redmond. Yes. THAT Redmond.Anyway, Goldberg was a professional Scab. Back in the old days, there were Scabs. It was a derogatory term for people who were hired to work in place of union workers when the unions striked. This happened a lot in Washington. It was hard at times to figure out if the evil companies were at fault or the, think Gangs of New York, Unionists were. Either way, Washington once was host to some pretty wicked disputes. This was a major component of news in the 80s. It all kinda went away in the 90s. But it’s worth mentioning.Golberg was in on something big, and I was just bored enough to half ass whatever it was.Goldberg explained that the operating systems we own now own us and that we are slaves to our computers.“Shit man, you’re living in a borrowed generation! A generation of children that are trying to become adults in a no alternative world, mang!”“What the hell are you talking about?”“Let’s go make soap!”If you like long hours and getting laid off, Microsoft is for you. Founded by Bill Gates, Paul Allen, and Qbert, Microsoft was heir to the Seattle economy after Boeing started taking a shit and eventually left. Microsoft has been taking a nose dive for the last few years, but when you’re as high as Captain Kirk on speedballs, it really doesn’t matter. Bill Gates is still the richest man in the world and Paul Allen just sold his summer home to Amazon so they could build space eggs or something. Microsoft will continue to ebb and flow with Apple. Just accept it. Ride it out. You’ll get your job back.Goldberg had this place in Redmond. It was more Totem Lake than Juanita. When I walked in the door, Lake City was walking out. Like a cheap whore, Kirkland followed. I thought to myself: this guy must put his boner in women waaaaaayyyyyyyy more than I do. Turns out Goldberg also worked at Whole Foods.There’s a Whole Foods in Redmond. Big surprise. Personally, the only reason to go to Whole Foods is the guac, salsa, and Homerun Inn pizzas. Homerun Inn is a pizza joint in Chicago and this is the closest you will get to Chicago pizza in Washington without paying the 40 dollar shipping Lou Malnati’s charges. That I’ve found. Someone sent me a link to a new place opening in Interbay. I’ll have to try it. One time I went to Whole Foods and for the first time in my life almost didn’t complete a purchase based on the price of the item. Typically, I know how much tortilla chips cost. Typically, they are about three to five dollars. Typically, I’m shocked when they are 15. Typically, I don’t buy chips at Whole Foods anymore.Goldberg explained he had a club. He called it Night Club. The first rule of Night Club is you prefunk before you go to Night Club. The second rule of Night Club is you wear Axe body spray. The third rule of Night Club is you get Jimmy John’s if you see danger.Everyone knows about the great sandwich wars of 2012. Subway had killed all the small delis in the area that were actually good. These were delis that you found in shopping plazas. Anyone remember Hoagie’s Corner? The dillie of a deli? They were independent and they were frigging good. These delis are no more. The closest you can get is some small convenience stores that still make sandwiches. Like Tiger Mountain Country Store. Panera came in around 2005ish. Around 2010 Jimmy John’s came in and the best story I have about that is a friend who was in Pullman and he bought Jimmy John’s for a group of guys that were visiting. He got lost on the way home in the middle of the night. As he explains. “I ate a sandwich on the way back. But then I got lost and scared. So I ate another sandwich.” Point is: if you ever feel scared and alone, eat a fear sandwich. Pot Belly’s came about four years ago. I think Pot Belly’s of the big chains, but like Panera I’m getting sick of it. Corner Bakery just opened in Issaquah, but I haven’t tried it. The sandwich war did have one casuality: Quiznos. It was a hard war on everyone. But there’s a Jimmy John’s in Redmond. He still talks about the war like it was yesterday.Near Novelty Hill we ran into a man who worked at Jimmy John’s. Goldberg pulled a gun on him and asked for his ID. He gave us the ID and then Goldberg asked him what he wanted to do when he grew up. He said he wanted to work at Microsoft. Goldberg asked why he was working at Jimmy John’s and not Microsoft. The man explained that he got laid off. So Goldberg shot him. Goldberg is mysterious. We Uber’d to Marymoor to pick up MILFs.I’ve never been to Marymoor park and for good reason. The place is teaming with drunks. And not just regular drunks - old drunks. That’s two strikes: being old and being drunk. If you’re old and drunk, you better sober up or get some Benjamin Buttons before you get behind the wheel of a car. The reason these old people are drunk is because of the concerts in the park. I think Hootie and the Blowfish are the youngest people to ever take stage there and they did it a couple years ago when Hootie was 78. The elderly from all over Washington come to hold a lighter up as Huey Lewis sings about his new drug, which is actually a blood thinner.Goldberg had a plan to slowly dismantle Microsoft, The Bellevue, hell, the entire system! But first he needed some candles at Pier One.Redmond Town Center is your go-to if you want to go shopping in a mall and want to avoid Bellevue traffic. It’s an outdoor mall - which means it’s fun! There are restaurants, shops, and lost elderly people like most malls. I don’t know if it’s still there, but one of the ten comic book stores in the area is near the parking garage. There’s a music store. A Macy’s. It’s a good place to replace an eating disorder with a shopping problem.After buying candles, I lost time. I woke up driving on the 202 and there was no sign of Goldberg.The 202 is interesting because it links a number of cities that should have nothing to do with each other: Woodinville, Redmond, Sammamish, Issaquah, Fall City, Carnation, Duvall. Imagine people from Fall City with access to Sammamish? That’s where you get people selling meat out in parking lots. That’s also where you probably get all the smokers and hillbillies and feed stores in Redmond. Honestly, for a rich people city, I’ve never seen so many smokers. Or hillbillies. If I’m driving in Redmond, there’s a 90% chance I’m going to see a Datsun full of old fryers, rakes, and generators huffing down the street with a Haggard sticker on the back.I retraced my steps. I drove back to Pier One and the sales lady somehow knew my name, my phone number, and my email address. I grabbed her and yelled “How do you know this!!!” She said “Mr. Goldberg, you signed up for our rewards card.”I was Goldberg.So, I went to Redmond Bar and Grill and got wasted.Redmond Bar and Grill is pretty cool. There’s plenty of beers and games. The food is good. I think my buddy’s friend owns it.I stumbled to the Matador and found that it was just littered with Girl’s Night Outs. You’d think that would be a good thing, but women get militant about Girl’s Night Outs and unless you’re Brad Pitt, they won’t accommodate your carousing. Matador is also a good hang out if it’s date night with the crew. When you are with your friends and somehow got screwed into taking all of your girflriends with, Matador is your go-to.There’s also Coho. I recommend the bacon wrapped jalepenos stuffed with goat cheese. They probably don’t have them anymore. I have a gift certificate I still have 17 bucks on that I might use tonight as the storm levels Seattle. Be aware: The Space Needle is coming down tonight. This storm will probably put 14% of you in the morgue. This storm is not joking. This storm is not knocking. This storm will give you rabies.Mac and Jack’s is in Redmond. It was pretty much the most popular craft beer back in the early 2000s. Microsoft used to serve it at their company parties, which by the way would close streets and included free booze and all sorts of rides and stuff. Until the company started pooping. Now they don’t have it. So, if you work at Microsoft, know this: you got screwed out of free Mac and Jack. Levitate once told me they only served local beer when I tried to order a Mac and Jacks. That was odd.As I stumbled through Redmond, people kept coming up to me and saying “Hello, Mr. Goldberg.” and so forth. Finally, I went into Zeek’s and the waiter there told me that Operation The Bellevue is ready and on track. After asking him repeatedly what that operation was, he told me it was the name of the pizza I usually ordered there.Zeek’s is overpriced. There, I said it. It’s good. But it’s not that good. They have a bunch of weird Zaw-like toppings and catchy names for their pizzas. But it’s like 25 bucks for a pizza the size of a Totinos.I checked my wallet and found that there were a number of coupons to area businesses that I had never seen. Also, tickets to soccer games. I hate soccer. And don’t call your team a Football Club if they’re in America. They are a fucking soccer team!!!! My angered inspired me to go to Canyons to sort out my identity crisis and my hatred of soccer.Canyons is a restaurant I vaguely remember. A friend lived up the street and we’d walk down there or to Coho. I think they had a firepit. At the time it was like a fancy place. Or, when I was 22 and could only afford a salad without lettuce, it was. One thing I can promise you: they didn’t take EBT. One time I was so drunk I tried to bribe them to take EBT with real money. In Redmond, there’s so much logic being used by Microsoft that there’s not always enough to go around.After losing the script to Fight Club, I decided to order Paul Allen 39 pizzas from Frankie’s out of spite.Frankie’s pizza is a smaller, newer chain as far as I know. But it’s just not that good. It was always on Groupon and the coupon flyers you get in the mail. But it’s just not that good. It’s not like bad like Dominos or Papa Murphy’s. But it’s not that good.There’s a Qdoba in Redmond. I was in the Issaquah one on 911 at lunch. They had the news on the TV in the corner. I don’t know how I had an appetite that day. But that’s my biggest memory from Qdoba. Also, they have OK food. It’s like if you’re bored of Taco Time and know that Chipolte is horseshit...I just wanted to shit on Chipolte. That place blows.If you’re entering Redmond from Issaquah...seriously, you pictured yourself having sex with Redmond or Issaquah there, huh? So, right when you get into Redmond you look up and there’s this huge freeway out of nowhere. It’s like a cluster of overpasses that makes you think you are in the future. But you aren’t. You are in Redmond at the base of 520:The singularity.Anyway. Turns out I wasn’t Goldberg. I was just really, really, really high...if you count Issaquah. via /r/SeattleWA

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