Monday, October 10, 2016

Destination: Black Diamond

Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.Adventures of Huckleberry FinnAuthor's Notice.There’s really not that much to talk aboutBlack Diamond actually pretty cool. There’s just not that much of it, and I was too lazy to really look around. I thought I heard that the place was getting more modern, but I saw no sign of it. In all honesty, I drove through there a million times on the way to go skiing, but I never really stopped in there much. I drove out there and went to the bakery, but that’s really not saying I lived Black Diamond A Loco. So, with that in mind, my apologies to Black Diamonders.CopsThe old rumor was that Black Diamond was littered with cops waiting to catch you doing one mile per hour over the speed limit to pay for the annual barn dance. I didn’t really see that on my visit there on Sunday. I have a buddy who was BDPD. Is that a thing? I don’t know. But he was a cop there. I didn’t really ask him about the barn dance ruse, but I just wanted to write BDPD.Black Diamond BakeryBlack Diamond is best known for the Black Diamond Bakery. It’s a restaurant and a bakery - kinda like Goldbergs. But really not like it. I went in and it was super crowded. The woman at the bakery looked tired of my shit even before I spoke. I got intimidated and just said “Uh, that donut. That peanut chocolate thing and...that black loaf of bread.” The donuts are supposed to be the best in Washington and it probably was. Really light. Like biting into fried thin air. I would definitely recommend it. The Dark Rye I got was on its way to chocolate cake. That’s my fault. Not there’s. It would have been better with butter and not the Swiss I put on it. The chocolate covered peanuts were awesome.Dump TrumpThere’s a definite Mason/Dixon line when crossing from Maple Valley into Black Diamond. I had not seen a Trump sticker, banner, sign or whatever until I drove through Black Diamond. It is a big time DON’T TREAD ON ME city. My Mom was talking about the Trump scandal on the way in and I was like “OK. Finish the conversation before we get out of the car.” I did not want to get killed by a pitch fork. On the way out there was a kid of about 16 sitting on a toilet in his lawn with a giant DUMP TRUMP sign. I don’t know if he hung out there all day to make the real life diorama come to life, but it was odd. I’m not making this up.This time I thought I was having a heart attack but it was GERDWhile we have time on our hands as this article develops from basically the Bakery and a barn I saw, I will talk about different things that occur to me. Like this one time I thought I was having a heart attack and it turned out I just had GERD. It was totally embarrassing. I was in the ER and everything. Boy, howdy! Anyway...Smoked meatsThere’s also a smoked meats store right by the bakery. My Mom went in, but I stayed out in the car and ate a donut. I really feared I would not be able to eat after seeing the kind of meats that are smoked in Black Diamond. I’m gonna guess most are possum and human.Talk about current eventsWhile we’re waiting for me to come up with more stories about Black Diamond, let’s look at current events. Man, how about that hurricane and that debate? That Trump guy and that Hillary lady really went at it. It was like that hurricane. But I bet there were more hookers at the debate than in Miami. Well, anyway....FarmsThere were a fuck load of farms out in Black Diamond. Like not really farms, but barns. But if you have a barn, don’t you essentially have a farm? Or is it like a fake farm. Like, hey I have a barn, but I don’t really grow or raise anything. That’s what it was like. Like a bunch of barns sitting around doing nothing. “Hey, look at me! I’m a barn!” Well, sure, but that doesn’t mean you’re doing anything. Quit being so lazy, barn.Does anyone still get hay fever?Where there are barns, there’s hay. Have you heard anyone claim they have hay fever lately? No. There’s all these new things like bird flu and crap. What happened to Hay Fever? I mean, someone must have it. Well, back to Black Diamond. Jesus.Whitewashing a fenceAs I drove into town I saw a kid whitewashing a fence and carrying a dead cat around.Things to egg in Black DiamondDon’t ever egg anyone. It’s illegal. Also it’s hateful.I can’t believe it’s that close to Maple ValleyAs I do a top job of reporting on Black Diamond, I would also like to mention how close it is to Maple Valley. Like really close. I was driving out of Maple Valley and it was like WOWZEY WOWSER! I’M ALREADY IN BLACK DIAMOND! I thought it’d be more like another twenty minutes. Point is: Black Diamond is right in back of Maple Valley. Like right behind it. Looming like that snorting elk dude at that debate thing in back of that insane women.On the way to EnumclawAnother thing to keep in mind is that Black Diamond is on the way to Enumclaw.20 year old yokels with bad attitudesOh, so I was in the bakery and I asked this twenty-something dude “Hey, are you in line for the bakery?”He goes “NO!” like I asked to sleep with his Mom or something. Black Diamond people are super hostile. This is based on this one scuzzy kid at the bakery.“NO!”What a jerk.Animals I’ve ownedI’ve owned a cat and a cat that had babies and a bunch of fish. Plus I borrowed this guy’s dog for a weekend cuz my girlfriend left me.Sahara PIzzaOnce again: shoddy reporting. I didn’t even go in here. But it looked like lots of fun. The sign was colorful and I thought “Sahara? In Black Diamond? That’s crazy!” But it wasn’t crazy, really. People in Black Diamond have probably been to a desert. Quit being so racist against people in Black Diamond. They have vacations too.Link to other Destination article to escapeOnce again, I apologize for the shoddy journalism on Black Diamond. If you’re bored, take a look at the following article. People in Seattle really loved it and thanked me like a million times and upvoted the crap out of it. truckOH! I know! When you enter Black Diamond there’s this coal cart thing. Like it probably was on a railroad at sometime. It has coal in it and it says Welcome to Black Diamond on it. I don’t know. Maybe not. I was way wasted when I took my Mom to Black Diamond and blacked out around the coal truck thingy. But how often do you see a coal wagon thingy? Not often. I know a lot of you will say you see them all the time. But that’s because a lot of you are liars.Cool to change the name to blood diamondOK, while we’re waiting for this article to end, let me just ask: what about a name change to Blood Diamond? Think about it.Not that old 1959Here’s what really pisses me off: Black Diamond has only been around for like...1959. I don’t do math, so don’t ask me. But that’s not like Lincoln old. Or that Colonel from Fall City old. This begs the question: why does it look like Black Diamond just seceded from The Union?I know why. Black Diamond is trying to do that retro thing. Hey, Black Diamond: we’re not impressed. via /r/SeattleWA

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