Thursday, October 6, 2016

Destination: Kirkland

Ah, what's the difference, I'll die In this sick world of mineLayne Staley singing about his hometown, KirklandROAD WORK AHEADKirkland is mostly memories to me. It's been awhile since I hung out there. I went to the Wing Dome the other day. Won't be doing that again. I got lost looking for an Urgent Care there a few months ago because it was the closest in-network care facility and I had a gerbil stuck up my butt going on eleven days...otherwise, I really don't spend time in Kirkland.But, back in the 2000s I spent quite a lot of time there. At the time, Kirkland was secod to Seattle as a place to get wasted andWORKERS AHEAD go to dance clubs. Even Bellevue didn't match the frat boys out for a good time atmosphere of Kirkland. Kirkland was probably the roofie capital of the Pacific Northwest. Do twenty year olds still blow 700 dollars on clothing, drugs, and cologne, get drunk and try to get laid or in a fight e$$very Saturday? If not, there is something wrong with America.As chance would have it, I had a buddy who lived out there and we'd go downtown partying and wind up aDETOUR AHEADt his place. In fact, I was laying on the ground there when the Kingdome was bombed. I remember waking up and thinking "Jesus, the terrorists have won!" But it turns out he Kingdome was destroyed on purpose. It could have been the article that floated around naming the Kingdome the ugliest stadiuUNDER CONSTRUCTIONI took a lot of cabs back in the day out there. I remember y buddy lived on Kirkland Avenue aROAD WORK AHEADnd I remember asking for his address and he said 234 Sperkland Avenue and I repeated th#at to the dispatcher. I don't know why I still find that funny buROAD CLOSEDAnother good story was when we lost a friend when we were out clubbing down there. At around 11 we gave up looking for him and drove out to Seattle to meet some girls or something. Low and behold, there he is running across the street in downtown Seattle with no shirt or shoes on. To this day no one has any idea how he gotUSE LEFT LANEI remember parking at the US Bank to go clubbing. It was free or cheap - I forget. I think yu got towed at the QFC that was by the old Roaster. I remember having a lot of company parties atMERGE LEFTI can't even remember all the bars we'd go to. Club Dynamite? Da Vinci's? Time Out is stil there. There were a messthat were all down by the waterfront. I got drunk outthereWILL BE CLOSED FROM 10/6 TO 10/30.Costco's headquarters used to be out there. Hence the Kirkland Signature label. Which now graces even DNA. Imagine the scientist who peered down a microscope onto a helix and saw KIRKLAND SIGNATURE for the first time....I think Costco moved to Issaquah in about 95 or 96. I remember having buddies who worked there right out of high school and they'd tell me they got to just key numbers all day and listen o headphones. Meanwhile, I was squandering my days going to college. Let this be a lesson:MOVE RIGHTKirkland was once home to the Seahawks. But they moved to Renton. Who the hel moves from Kirkland to Renton? Thazzzzt's like reverse Beverly Hillbillies shit. The hell wereHARDHAT AREAWikipedia says Kirkland was settled by the British. This doesn't surprise me. Kirkland has alwa7ys been upscale and a really pathetic way. he middle class, and the poor meet to shop at Fred Meyer or Costco. Sometimes the union of therich and even the homeless can be made when drugs or sex are involved.If you are lucky enough to be among tBellevue was once the epicenter of upscale and snooty and let's face it, Kirkland is just Factoria's cooler brother. However, Kirkland is expensive. ike way expensive. Like ten years ago I was shocked by the housing prices. Notlike normal shocked either. Like watching the Kingdome get blown up by dirty PETA activists shocked. Anyways, Kirkland and the English are horrible, horrible,WRONG WAYKirkland's sister city is Emmerich, Germany. Let me tell you something about Emmrich, Germany: it is a scuzz hole. I spent the better part of the 90s there and I can still remember eating sausage everyday and working in the gummy bear factories while ex-Nazis dumped beer on me fromROAD CLOSED AHEADWriter's note: I just got word, as of right now, that the bulk of the Kirkland construction problems are over.Let us move on to Google. Google, of course, is the famous search engine and sister CIA project to Facebook. One can only expect good things from Google being in Kirkland. For instance, from now on you'll need to do air quotes when ordering food at Kirkland restaurant if the item contains more than one word. Also, if you happen to be talking to a friend about something on a street in Kirkland, the topic will appear as an advertisement on a large sandwich board in front of you. And you know what that means: jobs! Be the first sandwich board Google man - 15 dollars an hour!Timeout appears to still be open. I spent a lot of time there. It's one of those bars where I can't remember any of the times I was tossed out. I believe they had a ton of games and food. Drink specials. Fights. Hot women. Blacks. Whites. Gays. Straights. Jews. Gentiles. Timeout was a place you could go and drink with what America is and should be: drunk and looking for sex.Cactus is a good restaurant. I've only been to the one in West Seattle. But I imagine they are pretty much the same. This one time I went and the waiter warned me that the jalapenos in the jalapenos stuffed with goat cheese and bacon were especially hot. He said they had a new distributor and the jalapenos were off the charts. I figured it was a playful warning. I ended up with chemical burns on my tongue, lips, and hands. Then I started crying and wiped my eyes. Then I went to the bathroom and chemically circumcised myself. It was a long night.I see there's a Big Fish Grill out there. I've had their bar food and it's fair. But, their breakfast, as it was a year ago, is dynamite. It's like you get your entree and then you get access to a big fruit and cheese table. Also, they bring out beignets. I had to go to Kirkland and get the sandwich board guy to spell beignets for me.Hector's is really nice. I went there for a Christmas party. It was like super fancy brunch. I recommend it. I think some dick weasel Secret Santa'd me one of those vacuum bags you put clothes in. They said put 20 dollars into the gift, Jim! TWENTY DOLLARS YOU FUCKER!Good God, I went looking for more things in Kirkland to make fun of and jumped on Street View. I am not making this up: Immediately Street View pulled me into an Aveda store. I was looking at Hector's and hit Street View and then I was staring at an aisle of bath beads. It took me three hours to virtually get out of the shop. Why? So many deals on soap!Apparently a Kirkland Urban shopping mall is going in. This will compliment Kent Station, Federal Way Commons, Renton Landing, and The Bellevue Collection. You know what will compliment that? The last book of the bible.P.S. My buddy says Spring and Summer are prime times for "tang" in Kirkland. via /r/SeattleWA

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