Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Destination: Sammamish

Destination: SammamishSteve: You got a nose job!Kelly: Yeah, I did.Steve: It looks...looks good.Kelly: Big improvement, huh?Steve: Well yeah, they took about a foot off.Kelly: Now I know why I broke up with you.Beverly Hills 90210One thing I remember about Sammamish is I worked there right after 911. The event, not the emergency number. Anyway, I remember driving down the main stretch and there was just American flag after American flag. It was then that I had the biggest revelation of my life: Washington was a part of America. I had always thought we were our own country. It was heartwarming to find out that we were a part of the greatest nation on Earth that’s between Canada and Mexico.There was a story in the Issaquah press about a guy selling questionable meat in a parking lot in Sammamish. On the heels of that, they also caught a guy selling speakers in that same parking lot. The point I’m driving home is that there are still portions of Sammamish, small pockets, where people don’t make millions of dollars and own slaves. Some people still sell random meat and speakers to survive. And I think this speaks volumes about Sammamish. But seriously, I’ve never heard of someone selling random meat out of their trunk until now.I worked at a Starbucks up in Sammamish for about three months. It was to earn extra income. This one time I showed up hung over and they put me on the drive thru. Let it be known: that is a tough job. I couldn’t hear a thing. It was like “Welcome to Starbucks, what can I get you?” And then they’d answer “Zzdsdih Venti tall szzzzzzzz and a scocowgroible.” I’d say “what” a few times and they’d just get mad and then I’d just make them a cup of coffee and go hide in the bathroom. Towards the end of the day I quit like people do on TV. I took my apron, spiked it and yelled “I quit!” They called me about three hours later to tell me I needed to return the other apron I had.There’s a La Casita in Sammamish. Much like BDPD, they are everywhere. Basically, if Jesus isn’t there, La Casita is. I can remember driving once and saw like nine in a row all lined up on the same block. I thought I was high or something. Turns out I was high. But, nonetheless….This is the first rich people city on Destinations, unless you count Issaquah which is kinda half and half. There’s nothing wrong with rich people and they are no different than you or I. Except they are surveilling us all and waiting for the blood harvest. There’s no more dignified way to go than to give up your life’s blood to a rich person. If you drive up to Sammamish late at night you can see the Sammishers driving around in their Teslas drunk on poor people blood, and I think this is a sign of just how far America has come.Pine Lake Ale House is pretty cool. The food is good and the beer selection is pretty impressive. I find it impressive anytime someone puts all the beers up on a HDTV instead of on a menu, so you have to walk up to the bar and get in everyone’s way as you figure out what kind of beer you want. Last night I went with the Bitburger and some photo optic IPA. The onion rings looked amazing - as big as cupcakes. This is probably the only bar-bar in Sammamish. I recommend going. I don’t recommend buying meat out of that one guy’s trunk in the parking lot, though. That guy will tell you it’s turkey jerky, but it’s not jerky at all.A good way to get away from the pressures of programming and getting free six packs of Coke from the corporate cooler is to take a trip up to Sammamish for some good, honest fishing. Just don’t catch the fish and sell them in the parking lot with stereo equipment - because we’re onto you!Sahalee is a golf course and residential neighborhood. Back when I was young it was where the rich people lived. Now it’s where the rich people own vacation homes. But it’s super nice. I stood outside of Sahalee last night and tried to hitch hike in, but no one picked me up. Except for this guy with some sweet deals on speakers, but he didn’t take me to Sahalee, he took me to this old barn and showed me how babies are made. It was awkward.There’s a Safeway in Sammamish.Sammamish has a Trader Joe’s. Who doesn’t like Trader Joe’s? I can go in there and get tons of crap for under 50 bucks and somehow feel like I’m saving the environment. I don’t know why I feel this way. I think it’s all the colors and the other shoppers and their bumper stickers. I mean, I litter on a normal basis, but the second I’m around rich people that care about the environment, I feel transformed. And then I go have a smoke with this family of bald eagles I taught how to roll joints.There’s a Jack in the Box in Sammamish. Thing is, it’s got weird things that most Jack in the Boxes don’t have. Like I said, Sammamish is a rich city and they don’t live like we do. For instance: there was a sink in the bathroom. There were also towels to dry your hands in case you are cleaning your underwear in the sink and get water on your clothes. There was also a soda machine that didn’t just spray black tar and seltzer no matter what flavor you chose. Another added touch was they called me “Sir” when I ordered instead of “You dumb motherfucker.”One memory I have of Sammamish is driving home from that Starbucks one October evening and wondering if I had Anthrax. It was just after 911 and everything looked like white dust. I just remember driving and thinking about the Anthrax I might have snorted the evening before. About the envelope I opened and white dust spread from the tear. About how the clouds in the sky could just be giant plumes of Anthrax. It was a watershed moment for me. It was then that I decided to never be afraid of anything again and I drove my car head on into a truck.One thing that pisses me off is all the medians in the Sammamish Highlands. I tried to pull out the other night and had to turn around the city, go down to 202, get off at Redmond, then come back up 202 and then jump on 228th, go back up the hill and by that time the guy I thought was the Monopoly man was no longer selling meat out of a giant hat in front of QFC.There’s an Indian grocery store called Apna Bazar in Sammamish and it sells all sorts of Indian foods and sundries. I like to go to the American section of the store and buy Cool Whip and peanut butter.Shit. Looks like I’m getting pulled over.BDPD: Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?Me: I’m at a desk typing.BDPD: That’s nine over in Black Diamond!Uncle Si’s Pizza has locations in North Bend and Sammamish. Don’t let the name fool you: they sell pizza. The pizza is good and they also have appetizers and salads and such. I have a friend from the Czech Republic who loves the place because they sell Bitburger in these cool giant glasses. Foreigners are so crazy! Anyway, the Si’s in Sammamish is hidden in a little 7-11 parking lot near the lake. It’s got a cool lounge with leather chairs and limited outdoor seating. They also let us watch the debates and the primaries there until we got in a fight with some people that refused to believe Perot was still running. In the same mall is Big Block Brewery. The beer is good, there’s no food, and they have cider. They have bocce ball, no video games, and you can order Uncle Si’s delivered into the bar. They have outdoor seating, no monkeys, and they are in America.Clint Eastwood was once a lifeguard at Beaver Lake. That’s not the beginning of a joke; it’s actually true. Clint Eastwood was saving lives in Sammamish before they had the money to pay him to do so. Eventually, Sammamish just started paying him to entertain them and the Sammamishers eventually created Hollywood. Point is: Clint Eastwood was wading in Beaver before I was even alive. via /r/SeattleWA http://ift.tt/2d5OVNj

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