Monday, October 3, 2016

Destination: Federal Way

The first Cinnabon opened on December 4, 1985, Federal Way, Washington at SeaTac Mall, now The Commons at Federal Way.WikipediaWhere do I begin? Federal Way is so much to so many...Federal Way is the home of the Green River Killer.Back in the 80s this man had the entire region freaked out. Like leaving your own shopping bag at home and having to use a plastic one at Whole Foods West Lake in the midst of a PETA convention hosted by Phish freaking out. They were finding bodies right and left and no one could catch the guy. It went on for decades. It was like a local Jack the Ripper in flannel. Eventually, he was caught and his last home still stands in Federal Way. A friend took me by it once and I have to say that it didn't look like the home of a psychopathic killer. There were no bamboo shoots jutting from the ground with blood on the tips. There were no hanging bodies from trees like Apocalypse Now. It's simply a house.No, for torture and potential tragedy you need to go to Wild Waves. Wild Waves is a waterpark that boasts a number of death inducing water machines that have the potential to kill you and your loved ones. Imagine Westworld but with water instead of robots. Even from the freeway you can see giant rickety stairs going up and up with only two ways down: the slide or the final pound of pressure on that welted piece of wood that just gives way and you have kid sundae all over the pavement below. I think they closed the wave pool once or twice cuz someone got undertowed and drowned. Like buying cocaine, people are paying to be undertowed. Next door is Enchanted Village. I can't remember it too well, but I remember it was a good way to find out if your parents were poor - because it sure as shit isn't Disneyland. Enchanted Village was where you went for birthday parties and divorces. I can remember my Mom explaining the divorce from the ground as I was going up and down on the Ferris wheel.Levi!Your Dad!And I!Are!Getting a!DIVORCE!One tip about Federal Way: it's not a bad place to stop and get a big deep breath before driving through Fife. It's also the place where you pass through and can say "Almost home" if you live in the Seattle area and are entering from the South. In fact, Federal Way should be called "Almost home." Just like North Bend should be called "Almost home". And Kirkland should be called "Almost done."Wikipedia says that Federal Way was originally a logging town. I would like to know which town in Seattle wasn't originally a logging town. Why do they even say it? Well, I guess Redmond is more of a Login town. Get it? Get it? Because Redmond and computers and login... But the point is, Federal Way had humble roots. Sure, they haven't been dyed in ages and the blonde parts are hanging over a NO FEAR t-shirt from a Hot Topic in 1993 and the owner is trying to hold up an AMPM with a can of mace....Federal Way also has an Olympic sized swimming pool that was used in the 1990 Goodwill Games. There are no water slides there.Down the street is SeaTac mall, which is now known as Federal Way Commons. Like it's common to get mugged there or it's common to get carjacked there. I'm not sure where it stands now, but back in the day the most dangerous malls (from most dangerous) were: Tacoma Mall, SeaTac Mall, Southcenter, and Bellevue Square being a place where gnomes might hug you if you played a special song on your magic flute. I think the first Starbucks I ever saw was at SeaTac mall. It was right by the movie theater entrance. The one on the South Side. Come to think of it, there was a North Side movie theater too. I remember going to see Star Wars once with my Dad and he went to the wrong theater. "Guess we're seeing Gorky Park, son." I was like eight.Up the street was the Black Angus, home of the Square Cow Fun Bar. I wasn't drinking age when the Square Cow Fun Bar was open, but I imagine the Square Cow Fun Bar was a hillbilly affair. Years later, Black Angus's Square Cow Fun Bar would become more R and B and rap than hillbilly. Unfortunately for the demographic, the "G" on the neon Black Angus sign was out from 1995 to the last time I saw it. Apparently, the restaurant is still open. I don't know if the G is lit up. But I swear this is true.Around that area was the short lived Bullwinkles. It was a Bullwinkle and Rocky based restaurant - not to be confused with the "fun" park in Tukwila. I remember it sucking even as a kid. Not only that, there was also a ShowBiz Pizza in Federal Way. Same thing as Chuck E. Cheese. Chuck E Cheese was first, then split into Chucks and Showbiz, then Chuck's went under, Showbiz bought it, then Showbiz....there's a Netflix original you can watch. I wouldn't leave the car to go in. That's how scared I was of the animatronic animals. "Son, adults are going to be dressed up as bears and robots will sing songs for you while you eat pizza until you finally start reading a temperature under 106".That's a nice seg to mention that Taco Time also had a schism: yes, The Great Taco Time Schism. At one point in taco time, Taco Time was one big company. Then the owners split and now you have Taco Time Northwest around here, and Taco Time east of the mountains as far as...Chicago at least. Totally different menus and everything. Three million died.Federal Way is another area with a ton of lakes and ponds and so forth. Come to think of it, when you add the pool, Wild Waves, and all the lakes, Federal Way is 80% water. Bring a life vest.Weyerhaeuser once graced Federal Way and was once the owner of the most softwood timberland in the world. This helped Weyerhaeuser almost surpass Microsoft in associated penis jokes. Now the company is leaving the Federal Way area and has relocated in Pioneer Square to compete with the competitive pulp and crack industry. Weyerhaeuser also boasted a powerful weapons industry as seen in the end of Return of the Jedi.Federal Way is also the home of evangelical group World Vision. On their home page it says "Going to the ends. Where no one else goes. Because Jesus is alive in the hardest places it is to be a child." They couldn't have picked a better place to have headquarters.Let's face it, if Jesus is on Earth he's probably had a Cinnabon. You can't really travel on Earth without running into one in an airport. It's possible Jesus just flies around or teleports, but I bet he's more like Joe Biden and insists on travelling with the common folk. I bring this up because a person commented on one of the other articles and brought the Cinnabon thing up. I totally forgot or never knew that the Cinnabon was created in Federal Way. What kind of amazing town do you live in when the most notorious junk food ever created hails from it? There should be a parade. Just one long congo line of people having heartattacks.How about that haunted house by the 7-11 on Military Road. That thing has been vacant, as far as I know, since 1990. If Jesus is trotting Federal Way's worst areas, he must be living there. That place is just scary. It looks like people have tried to burn it down numerous times, but it's just not taking. Some say it originally burned down during the Rock-afire Explosion.Point is, Jesus lives in Federal Way. via /r/SeattleWA

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